30 years old

1 February 2017

Today is my 30th Birthday.

It doesn't feel like it to be really honest, it just feels like any other day which doesn't bother me at all but I am the sort of person  who likes to write things down on such occasions so I can look back and remember.

My 30th trip around the sun has been the biggest one yet. What with juggling two kids under 3, making a huge life-changing decision to move country, actually moving country, leaving family behind, starting fresh& all the emotions that go with it, dealing with two pretty sick babies for 2.5 months which ended in two tonsillectomies within 4 weeks of each other as well as both of them starting a new school a few weeks ago and having 3 jobs.....let's just say it's been pretty damn hectic. But worth every hard, tearful, challenging and wonderful minute.

We don't make huge deals of birthdays me & Manoj. We never have really. We aren't fussed about cards or expensive gifts. We don't really go out for meals - yup happy to admit that - it's the season we are in and will pass! I thought today I might want a fuss but it turns out I really don't.

What I did want was only a handful of things:

  1. Lunch with my husband, without the kids. Who has changed his WHOLE life for me to realise my dream. I remember a few times us talking about my 30th Birthday in the past and I said all I wanted was to be living in South Africa for my 30th. How flipping lucky am I that my wish has come true. So eternally grateful to the man in my life who made that happen for me.
  2. A quiet and very good cup of coffee where I can reflect on my life so far, gawd so deep I know, but apparently this happens with age. Reflection allows me to realise all that I have to be grateful for.
  3. Cake, of any form - this is very important and preferably must be chocolate. I'll probably enjoy this with the kids this afternoon.

I feel quite tearful writing this - I wonder why milestone birthdays tend to do this to us? I feel incredibly proud of what I've achieved in my twenties, the most notable include:

I've met and married the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, I completed my degree, we bought a house, I gave up drinking, I've given birth to two beautiful, healthy and awesome kiddos, met life long friends, rekindled friendships and learnt a  lot about myself, life and grown so much because of it. Been on memorable holidays, realised that experiences win over things every time, I've cried, I've laughed and I haven't slept that much - any memory of sleep is a faded one right now. I've made mistakes, I've made hard decisions, I've been wrong and I've been sad. Ive drank myself to rock bottom
and got back up again. I've been depressed and wondered what this whole life is all about. I've been happy and still wondered what this whole life is all about!!

But I think most importantly I've learnt, I've grown, I've enjoyed, I've lived. Some days, shit, even some weeks & months have been hard. Life is hard - it's all about choices and perspective. It's about getting through it and taking something from it and making yourself better because of it.

Apparently 30 is the age of growing up & letting go of what doesn't work for us anymore. It's usually the biggest change in our lives.  One of my friends sent me this and it's so true and sums it up pretty well.

"I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers  in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.
Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.
Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.''
Brené Brown

So is turning 30 such a big deal really? 
No not for me.

It's more of an opportunity to say thank you to everyone in my life who makes me happy and take stock of all I have to be grateful for. It's a time to reflect on the good and the bad and take something from those experiences. To say goodbye to my twenties and a big freaking hello to my thirties.

And of course it's good excuse for cake!

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